Day 24 - Today

Been feeling a bit down these last couple of days. No particular reason (except there is a world wide pandemic, I’m worried, I have no income, I miss family and friends, and no one knows if life will ever get back to how it was) I need to pull myself together.... No actually I don’t. I realise there are so many people out there who are worse off then me. NHS and all key workers, ill people (CV or any illness), people who have lost their job, people who can’t claim anything, those who can’t see loved ones even for a few minutes with shopping, those in abusive relationships, and I think worst of all, those who have lost someone close to them in these times. And I’ve just had a couple of days where the enormity of it all has kind of hit me. Watching the whole world suffer is unbearable. When all this started I was in survival mode for my business. Keeping busy trying to sort out financial issues and do all I could to make sure my business can come back from this. The initial fear of losing what I have worked so hard to achieved over the last 20 years has got easier, but has been replaced by a kind of “stuck in limbo” feeling, where I can’t do much more and I can’t control the future. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad (“she ponders to herself whilst sitting in the sun with a glass of wine and writing a blog, as she has always wanted to do) but I’m now thinking about the aftermath rather than the present. And it’s a worry! What will become of the world? Why can’t I fix things?! Normally if something isn't right I just crack on by myself and try and sort it, and if I can't sort it I just deal with it. But I am useless in this situation.

I had a conference call earlier today with my biggest client who I do property photography for. They are hoping to survive this but at the end of lockdown they say it’s going to take so long for things to come even close to how they were. What if, once government's financial help (and I don’t even know how much that will be or when) runs out (which of course it will) there isn’t enough work coming in to get by on? What if a vaccine is ages away and we cannot socially gather for months or years? I loved my life before all this (perhaps didn’t appreciate it as I should have done) and I just want it back. But I don’t think it will ever be the same again.

So, I’ve had a moan and I’ve had a glass of wine in the sun. I wasn’t sure if I should write a blog today as usually I’ve tried to be positive. But I’m also trying to be real, and of course we will all have bad days, and hopefully better days. I have also realised that, although I joked about it, I did secretly hope it would happen, I will not come out of this a reborn and improved version of myself. I will never run a marathon, and the only way I will loose weight is by eating less and not drinking so much wine. But I enjoying doing that and especially at the moment. I enjoy writing my blog and I will continue to do so because it helps me. The chances of me writing a published novel during lockdown are as remote as me doing next years London marathon. And I’ve given in and dyed my roots. I couldn’t even manage to transform myself in to the cool short haired silver lady that I dreamed of.... I have failed. But so what? Tomorrow is a new day. And this is all about taking one day at a time. This will end, but things will be different. Which has been worrying me. But what if they are better in the long run? What if we all learn a new way of working and emerge from this wiser, calmer, more tolerant and kinder people? I won’t take my life for granted ever again and I will make more time for loved ones and the things I enjoy doing. 

This blog is a reflection of my time up until now. I’m not preaching and I don’t want to be depressing, but it’s how I feel today. Hopefully not tomorrow.

(Photo is the beautiful Flamborough Head)