Day 57 - Not ready

So, last Tuesday night it was announced the the property market is allowed to open up. Shit!!!! That means I have to go back to work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, and when lockdown first happened I was in turmoil! My jobs, my commitments, my clients, my responsibilities!!! “What is to become of me?” I thought. And I stressed, and I flapped, and I worried. And I made millions of phone calls and I logged on to endless Zoom meetings. No matter what, I was determined not to lose my business and to keep my name out there, connect with the right people, help where I could, and be there for other people. And I have made the most amazing new contacts ever! As well as reconnecting with friends and business contacts I have foolishly not been in touch with for a while. So, thanks to Covid 19, I am now well connected to a bank of brilliant and lovely people I probably wouldn’t have had the pleasure to get to know otherwise and these new found alliances will continue. So, apart from financial worries, I have really enjoyed these last 6 weeks, both from a personal and business point of view.
And then it was announced “the property market can resume”. Just one random evening, Tuesday, a sweeping statement, “from tomorrow”. Awesome. Thanks for the preparation. Announcement made, and potentially I have to return to work the next day. Ok.... I have always loved my job (I know I’m lucky) but the thought of going back to work now is really scary. Weddings will be as while away, and although I can’t wait to photograph a wedding again, I know this won’t be an issue for a long time. But from now it’s ok for me to go in to a stranger's house and take photos, yet I’m not allowed in to my own mum's house. Or my grandmas’s, who is 98 and looking after herself. Don’t get me wrong, I will do my job well, as I always do, and I will strive to provide the best I can. But right now, I’m finding it hard. I will get used to wearing a mask and gloves to each job. And I will get used to cleaning my camera and all other equipment after each job. But I won’t get used to the feeling of working in such an impersonal way. I used enter people's  home, have a chat and a laugh with them and often a cuppa. Now I think I will have to ask them to stand outside while I take pics inside. It is all just so weird.
When I look back on this blog, at the start of lockdown I was so scared about all that was happening. All my work was cancelled, and I had no means of income. And I wasn't allowed to see loved ones from a different household. OMG 6 weeks ago I was a frantic mess!
"What do I do? How do I do it? Must keep busy. Must sort it out. Have to Zoom. Must make lists. Write a blog. Write letters to family members, go for a walk everyday, do more family stuff. Lose weight after exercising every day. Be a better person."

I have actually done most of the above with the exception of losing weight as I have instead decided to eat what I like when I like over lockdown.And my gin consumption has quadrupled. But now reality is kicking in. Businesses are opening, which needs to happen to get the economy moving, but this will surely increase the spread of the disease. So yes, I wish I was one of the lucky ones who can work from home. But equally I am glad I am not one of the key workers who have been at the front line of this and putting themselves at risk from the start. So I will put on my mask and my gloves, and I will do my job, and I will do it well, and I will find a new way of working safely. It’s not ideal, but of course none of this is. I will adjust, as everyone has to. And while I don't feel ready to go back, I know it’s what I have to do, as we all will one day. I just wish I could have another couple of weeks in the safety of  my lockdown bubble.....

(Pic of a a lovely field near Hovingham on a walk the other day)